Black Coffee and Cigarettes|
[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 18 most recent journal entries recorded in
|Wednesday, August 26th, 2009|
|Butch Voices Day 1
x-posted from my blog http://queercomedy.blogspot.com/
It felt like the first day of summer camp. Only if camp was campy and everyone had short hair. I don't know if I could have been any more excited, especially when I met my new and fabulous roommate to be for the duration of the festivities. Hy was one of those people I felt instantly at ease with. Well not THAT instantly at ease, hy's happily married.
I met Joe Lablanc and Angie (LOVE HER) up at the registration floor. One of the best parts of the conference was we had the whole hotel, and it made you feel as if you had ended up at some butch wonderland where magically everyone was not only beautiful, but also smart and funny. My Xanadu. If you are too young to know what Xanadu is I suggest you get really high (on life! I wouldn't suggest anything else!) and watch Olivia Newton John at her finest. But I digress.
It was queertopia. If you think I am exaggerating, case in point my first 20 minutes of the meet-n-greet I had Ivan Coyote teasing me about the word dirty and what it meant in relation to a peice of art. I had to walk away and giggle like a little schoolgirl. I'm not kidding, all I needed was some knee socks and pigtails. Wait, that's a great idea. *pause for short fantasy*
Ok I'm back.
One of the highlights to the conference my femme sister-in-solidarity Sahara Dunes. She was my go-to for "ohmygodlookathym, hyisdevine!" And she would whisper back, 'ohyeshyisohlord' and then turn to her very understanding and wonderful girlfriend (Who looked JUST like Daddy Rhon!) and say " I love you honey" and her very wonderful partner would just shake her head at our...let's call it enthusiasm.
The meet-n-greet was so full of awesome people that I couldn't even catch my breath. It seems as if the organizers had thought of everything; there was art by butches, photography by butches, great conversations with butches. I was more impressed than that one time when my butch friend Amy went to the club with 4" heels on to prove me wrong and lasted the WHOLE night. I personally had suspicions that she may have cross-dressed before though.
Then, it was off to the after-party at The Den. Now I am a fan of a good dance club and this place had it. Dressed up femmes, bois in ties, and just enough random hook-ups to make it eye candy for the recently single. Did I actually hook-up? Well, a girl doesn't kiss and tell. Especially when the girl has nothing to tell. The closest thing I got to action was getting into bed with a 23-year old, room-less butch bottom. That sounds LOVELY, but hy was a fag butch through and through. My Xanadu was turning into the 7th circle of Dantes' Inferno.
What workshops did I take, what did I learn? How cool is Jeanne Cordova and S.Bear Bergman? Most importantly, will I ever meet a butch that is not interested in other butches? Tune into the next installment of the Butch Voices Comedy Blog.
|Tuesday, June 9th, 2009|
|Hell is Like Camping...But Dirtier. Episode 2!
In our last episode Dr. Puddin’ Pie and myself were gettin’ ready to do the ramalangadingdong in our woodsy love shack while the air of nature was surrounding us like a soporific solo from Joan Biaz. If you’re thinking, “Belinda, you’re skipping ahead” well, it’s my story pumkin’ butt, I can decide what I want to tell. Plus, two of the OutDyke Enthusiasts on the trip are in the Witness Protection Program: GLBT branch; for being members of the Pink Mafia. They had to escape the Mafia during the great Boa Incident of 2006, and I have been sworn not to divulge one tiny detail or flaming fags with an arsenal the size of Divine’s ass will come after them and make them wear platform shoes and a pink tiara for the rest of their days. No one wants that. Except for me, and I think we have established I am not the butchiest of our Sapphic sisters.
But I digress.
Our tent was a borrowed one. As you might imagine I’m more Camp than Camping Equipment and did not own shelter. Dr. Puddin Pie called our Very Outdoorsy friend; let’s call her Dr. Whip and Lash, for the goods. I imagine it went down like this.
Dr. Puddin’ Pie: Do you have a tent?
Dr. Whip and Lash: What kind of tent?
Dr Puddin’ Pie: For Camping.
Dr. Whip and Lash: I mean are you car camping, primitive camping, snow camping, or Backpack Camping? I have a tent for each but I need to know which one. Oh and do you need my rock climbing gear?
Dr. Puddin’ Pie: Have you met my girlfriend?
Dr. Whip and Lash: I don’t have a hotel, just tents.
So we got a little ditty that was like the twin bed of tents, except for there wasn’t a bed involved, just the ground. Did you know the ground has bumps in it? Did you know camping on the ground is about as comfortable as a bed of nails, but only if the bed of nails had 2 dogs, 2 dykes, 50, 000 pounds of camping equipment, and you were kept awake by the constant threat of rain? It was if we had left home to be refugees, only it was the refugees that neither Oprah nor Angelina Jolie cared about.
5am. I feel like mashed potatoes and something is poking into my back. In my sleep deprived state I imagine it’s a scorpion. I am going to die. I reach over to tug on my true love’s hair, to let her know that I’m going to die and if she would just kiss me one more time, it’ll make my final moments like the ending to Casablanca sans the outfits, when I feel it: a drop of liquid on my cheek. Now normally I would assume that I’d been overcome by my eventual demise due to the horrific scorpion attack that I had just endured, but then I realized the Dr. Puddin’ Pie had left the ‘tent fly’ off so we could get some air. The tent fly, for those that don’t know, is like a convertible top for a tent. It was open, now the heavens were opening, and all I had on was a pair of Capri’s.
“Did you feel that?” whispers Dr Puddin’ Pie. “Um no, actually I just figured God finally answered my wish that I have naturally dewy skin” I retort. Being that I never pick the right time to retort, the Dr. gives me a withering look and sprints into action.
I personally don’t sprint, nor do I move quickly without coffee or a cocktail being involved. Dr. Puddin’ Pie is saying something about “It’s getting worse we have to hurry, blah blah blah” and I was about to ignore the whole thing and just go back to sleep when I realized that if we didn’t close the tent right now we were lost forever; the Whisperer wasn’t water proof. “MOVE IT!” I yell at the pupperoos sliding out of the tent directly on to my ass, right as the first big drops hit. Grabbing each side of the fly, we get the fly up and staked down faster than members of circ de soleil doing flag drills.
Racing back into the former den of inequity, which is now the home for wayward dykes, we sat down to read. I was trying to look on the Brightside. We all know that optimism is my foreplay…I mean forte, so I thought about having unlimited time to read, play games and “spend time” with Dr. Puddin’ Pie.
Suddenly the sky was filled with a torrent that was only seen during Noah’s reign. Luckily we had 2 animals; unfortunately if this kept up we were going to end up being the 20th parable, The ‘Parable of the Homo’, and I didn’t want to give James Dobson any more fuel. Plus if this was end times, I wasn’t going out in Capri’s, flip flops and a tank-top. That would be more tragic than Tammy Faye going out without her eyelashes, Richard Simmons without the fro, Tonya Harding without the gold…oh wait, never mind.
A decision had to be made.
Stay Tuned for Part 3: Will I stay or will I go now?
|Thursday, May 28th, 2009|
|Camping is like hell...but dirtier.
X-posted from Facebook
Dearest Kats and Kittens,
Last weekend yours truly stripped off the sexy high heels -sans any kind of sexy music- strapped on flip flops- sans any kind of strap…ummm nevermind- and headed out to the great outdoors.
For those of you that know me you’ll know that I like to be streamlined, lightly packed, and ready for anything. Those that don’t know my puddin’ pie…let’s call her Dr. Puddin Pie; she believes this makes me under prepared….pish posh. So, I packed my flip flops, bathing suit, big sunglasses, 2 tank tops and 2 pair of capris for our 3 day adventure into the great outdoors!!
In my mind I was already laying on a hammock, in large sunglasses, while hearing the water lapping at the shore and I enjoyed my latest foray into primatology, “The Ape in All of Us”. Surprised? Just because you are fashion forward doesn’t mean you have to be ass-backward. Let’s learn to complete a sentence and use proper grammar, shall we?
However, Dr. Puddin Pie was going on and on about needing food and shelter. Sigh. I guess I will have to bow to practical considerations just this once. It wouldn’t do to go camping and find that we have nothing to nibble.
After packing in the car the tent, sleeping rolls and a toy we call ‘the Whisperer’, we set about hunting and gathering. It was much like our ancestors did, only at Costco. This caused four times the irritation felt by the people who traversed the Oregon Trail, as there were 50,000 kids (I counted) all of whom took one too many dips at the sample table, if you know what I’m saying. The answer isn’t Ritalin ma’am; it’s getting Jimmy away from the ‘free’ Krispy Kremes.
After hours of navigating between people jockeying for another hot dog, and folks who’s tennis shorts and state school education provided them with a sense of entitlement that rivaled Genghis Khan, we were at the checkout and on our way to getting back to nature.
Nothing beats a drive on a lonely back road on a three day weekend with your Dr. Puddin’ Pie, the best dogs in the world, and some blues playing on the Ipod. But, if it happens to be in a downpour and you’re worrying every second about the ability of a Honda Civic, loaded down with enough camping equipment to assist the Donner party in getting out of the mountains, to pull out of a hydroplane at 50 MPH while driving next to a 5th wheeler through country that may or may not have a branch of the Klan, it gets a wee bit stressful. And then it hit me. I have to camp, in the rain, in Flip-Flops.
Luckily, the initial torrent subsided by the time we arrived. At the grounds, we were met by several of our kind. Well, the Dr’s kind. I don’t wear Tivas. And I may have had a sun dress on and make-up, I don’t remember. After many dubious looks by strangers, I assume that had something to do with their doubt that I could erect a tent; we picked out a spot for our outdoor love nest.
Now, the key when picking an outdoor love nest is to pick a spot that is flat, is away from people for more…intimate moments and isn’t in the path of a wet, god-like rampage of epic proportions. Well, two out of three ain’t bad.
About an hour after erecting our bordello in the woods and sitting in the mist and clouds, I was feeling nostalgic. I was raised in the land of moss and mold (i.e. Portland, Oregon) so a Memorial day rainstorm harkened me back to childhood; when my hair was moisturized naturally by the elements and the rare times when the sun came out, children became frightened; was this the nuclear attack they learned about in school? Why we didn’t teach them about the sun I’ll never know, it seems cruel now.
When nostalgia wore off and I came back to reality – ala a dream sequence on Young and the Restless- I tuned into Dr. Puddin’ Pie emphatically gesturing and saying something about ‘taking a boat down the river’ or some such. Before I could say “Honey, I’m not Tom Sawyer” one of the other outdyke enthusiasts said with much more excitement than I thought possible “We brought our own!!” Own? Own what? The only “own” I’ve ever brought is a bottle of vodka and maybe a sex toy. They brought a boat?! As my girlfriend nodded vigorously, the outdyke explained you can put a kayak on top of a Honda Civic and travel with it. For those astute readers who have been paying attention so far you know that Dr. Puddin Pie also has a Honda Civic and has been DYING to do this for years. Who knew? I am missing some imperative dyke DNA, apparently. Well, I bet they don’t know how to make a false tit out of a condom and hair gel or how to make a strappy bra strapless and still hold up your junk. Eh, to each their own.
I’m now sitting in the rain in flip-flops, Capri pants and the wettest tank top outside of a mullet bar and tomorrow the only thing between me and even more water will be a fuckin’ kayak. I longed for a lounge chair, a chlorinated pool and a drink with an umbrella IN it and not over it. Will I ever survive?
Tune in next week for Part 2: Wet dogs and Tacodeli
|Saturday, August 4th, 2007|
|Love, Love will keep us together
My friend REN is coming from Portland to seeeeeee mmmmmememmememmemeeeeee!!!
I'm so happy I could just die!
It's date night tonight and I'm takin' my girl to a fancy restaurant to celebrate her NEW PRACTICE!
I washed my car for said occassion!
and I got me a 2 hour nap!
What a fuckin' great day! Current Mood: jubilant
|Monday, July 23rd, 2007|
I posted this on my MySpace too, but Kyssme doesn't read my space.
2007 Mensa Invitational - for those who love language
Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter - and supply a new definition. The winners are:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying (or building) a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3 Intaxication : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize that it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stop bright ideas from
penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in
the near future.
6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Hipatitis : Terminal coolness.
11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
12. Karmageddon : It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then
the Earth explodes and it's a serious bummer.
13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
14. Glibido : All talk and no action.
15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you
16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted , adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade , v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-Nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent , adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle , n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence , n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a
10. Balderdash , n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude , n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster , n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent , n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
17. Bloviator, n. A politician with a pilot's license. Current Mood: drained
|Wednesday, May 23rd, 2007|
Is down!! WHY WHY WHY??!!!!! Current Mood: annoyed
|Sunday, April 15th, 2007|
|Why as a lesbian, do I not know more women with trucks??
So, I'm moving. Easier still, I'm moving across my complex and not moving across town, just into a bigger place (yay). I thought "Oh this'll be fucking cake". EXCEPT, I have to move today and the friend that I was supposed to use their truck said they have to bail. So NOW I have to pay some guy 45 bucks to help me move a bed and a dresser from my new roomate's (Nishelle) house, and my shit from like 100 feet away. Current Mood: disappointed
|Wednesday, April 11th, 2007|
I am signed up to perform for the B-F bash.
Scared shitless, but I'm doin' it! Current Mood: accomplished
|Friday, April 6th, 2007|
|I love Austin and other Belinda news...
I saw Bitch (from Bitch and Animal) last night at an open mic. It was fantastic!! She played the ukulele. I love her. She's playing at Mo-Mo's tonight and we are going. yay!
ALSO, George FUCKIN' Thorogood is at stubbs this month! YAY! (It's my little connection to my family, The white trash in me won't ever REALLY die)
And Norah Jones is playing the Backyard in June. YAYAYAYYYYYYY!!!
I get to go to wine tastings for Easter and we're driving the Hill Country this weekend to look at flowers. YAYYAYYYYY!!
I'm off work in a hour (thank god!)
....and my complex just offered to let me move for no money (!) into a 2 bedroom so my friend Nichelle can move in with me! I'm so excited about that!! I'm going to school for ASL interpreting this fall (and I get to test out of a lot of classes, I (heart) Texas), and she's deaf so it'll be awesome to have her there to practice with. Once I start the legal and medical sign though it'll be all crazy.
I got to read a erotic peice that I wrote at Camp Camp last night. That was super fun. I had a person that I've wanted to get to know ask me to start doing some Leather workshops in 2 months! I'm super nervous about it, but it should be fun. It'll be novice people, so it shouldn't be too nerve-wracking.
I might join Austin Community College jazz choir. I have my Audition on Tuesday. I think it'll be a good way for me to get education for cheap.
All in all I am having a grand time! Current Mood: silly
|Tuesday, April 3rd, 2007|
Current Mood: cheerful
|Your Personality is Very Rare (ESTP)|
Your personality type is dominant, driven, poised, and self-aware.
Only about 5% of all people have your personality, including 3% of all women and 6% of all men
You are Extroverted, Sensing, Thinking, and Perceiving.
|Sunday, April 1st, 2007|
|The best fucking weekend.
I have had the BEST fucking weekend in the history of weekends! (ok maybe a SLIGHT exaggeration on my part, I do that)
It involved lakes and and hiking and swimming and hanging out with cool cool people.
I will share more (and perhaps pictures to make you snnoooozzze) later.
|Friday, March 30th, 2007|
Today it looks like Portland outside. It's been like this for 3 weeks, and I'm about fuckin' done. One) I want to put the top down on my car Two) I wanna go ouuuuuutttttsssiiiidddeeee and Three)I'm sleeeeeeeeppppy and Four) It makes me miss Portland.
Collective..... "Awwwwwww." Current Mood: sleepy
For the last 10 years, I have had various and sundry friends work in computers of one sort or another and talk about how stupid people are. I mean, I KNOW how stupid people are. You don't know how much so until your talking to people about money and trying to get them to give you some. HOWEVER, at my job now I'm in sales but I also have to take support calls as well. I haven't ever in my life thought I would walk someone, who has a WEBSITE mind you, through how to CUT AND PASTE. Or, explain to them that, in fact, when they take the HTML code out of the little text box it means their site goes buhbye and we have to REBUILD IT?!
Who are these people, and how do they function day to day?
|Wednesday, December 20th, 2006|
So my friend L, (also known as Blush on B-F)brought her totally cute terrier over for the week because she is going to NY to visit C, her best friend. I LOVE Oliver. I mean, I am in love with this dog, and he with me. L wants me to take him because she 'isn't a dog person'. That's pretty much dog owner lingo for 'it's not you, it's me'. I already HAVE a German Shepard/ Shar Pei Mix so I am concerned about taking him on. The problem lies in that, I actually like her dog more than I like mine. I mean my dog is awesome, she's cute, she's friendly, she's well-behaved (for a 10 month old) and smart. There is just something about Oliver and his little face, his curly hair, his way of sleeping on my foot and that little shaggy face just smiling at me, that gets me every time. I mean I don't want to get rid of Chick, I just hope I can deal with both of them.
THEN to top that off, about a week ago D and I were coming back from dinner and lo and behold there was a little Chihuahua. She's nursing and not very nice.We took her some dog food and made sure she was ok. She's been running around for almost a week, but I'm hesitating calling anyone for fear her puppies won't be fed. NOW? She's decided that I'm the person most likely to feed her and she is CAMPED out in front of my Apartment. Although, she won't let me near her. I got to pet her head for a SECOND before she jumped back and started snarling. I have no idea what to do, but I'm getting close to calling the shelter. She's full blooded so if she calms down they can get to a rescue.
My world is full of dogs. Current Mood: sleepy
|Saturday, August 12th, 2006|
|I love my friends !!
Man I had a wonderful time last night. I went out with my friend A and she rocks. Always. She's a jewelry maker and she's also one of those people that no matter how much you hang out with her, you always have tons to talk about and she's always saying something that you're like "I had no idea you went to Turkey" or "I didn't know your sister is a professional Modern Dancer". She's just one of those people with sooo much cool shit, you just can't keep track of it all. Just love her. Her boyfriend had to leave and to to Washington State because he's contracted to work for 3 months. I love him as well, and I am sad that he won't be around for that long. Maybe she'll get some rad jewelry goin' though. We're talking about my doing the marketing for her new line. She's in the process of making her website, so we'll see. She really needs to brand herself. She has some cool shit. She made me a necklace and earrings for my birthday.
Today is going to be fun fun fun. I get to go get my hair done, and get a mani (no pedi, no one wants to see my feet) and EYEBROWS (I'm starting to look like Burt), go grocery shopping and pick up dog food. I might stop by the goodwill and see if I can score anything cool.
YAY. Current Mood: happy
|Sunday, December 18th, 2005|
I'm probably breaking some cardinal 'thou shall not post more than one time in a day' rule. My friend Nat has invited me to some family 'concert' today. Basically this is where they all just show what they've got without rhyme or reason.I have always wanted to be in a family that was a bunch of hams. People that just got up and performed for no reason, except fun. As cheesy as I am I would love to go. The slight issue with this is my co-worker wanted to go to a Langston Hughes play called 'Black Nativity' and one of my clients is performing in it. So I have to blow off one or the other, as they are the same time. I really do need to see some family though, I miss my own family, and pretty much any 'normal' semblance of family proves to me that the world in fact ain't going to hell. But maybe I am a bit too optimistic. Current Mood: content
|I have finally arrived
I'm finally on here after months and years of friends trying to suduce me to the ways of the live journal. I don't know why I have been so resistant, except I am often resistant to things that are wildly popular. I didn't read Harry Potter until the 3rd book, I have never owned pants that say "juicy" anywhere on them, and I don't own a ipod (although secretly I would love one).
I believe I am narissistic enough to make this work. Here I will work out the musings of the day, my various plots and schemes for the week, month, year, and frustrations in my life. Just like thousands before me. Perhaps I will say nothing and bore you to tears. Since this is for me though, I frankly don't really give a damn. Current Mood: anxious